Here are my brainstorming thoughts from 2014 that somehow got bumped up to look like my most recent post in 2016. I'm keeping it because I'm curious to compare what I was thinking or reading in 2014 to what I am today.
Going through this blog with ideas about how to make a marriage work brought up some ideas.
http://stepbystepjourney.com/?p=3682
1. Purchases/Freedom to fail: Remember you are in a relationship, not an autonomy. A relationship where both people feel valued by the other person regardless of their contribution. If one person is artistic and one loves functional comparisons between a lot of options, they can both have input, but realize you may have to make compromises. The person who has compared features, and come up with the one with the best value and ease of use may not be able to get it because if the significant other severely dislikes it because it doesn't come in the right color, or match the theme of the room, there could be a difference of priorities you get to talk out.
Doing the research and comparisons doesn't mean that your result is always "right". The other person who puts less effort into the selection process, or has a different method of decision making, such as referrals from friends or prefer a particular look or color, something that may not matter to the other person, just as some additional features may not matter to the other person ("You'll never use that." "But I might in the future!" ... and you end up using it once or twice and not could mean they were right. One may come up with the most logical solution, but that may not be the right decision for "the team". Both people in the relationship need to feel just as valued in the decision making process no matter their level of research or commitment to the decision.
This can be difficult for someone who, for example, spend a few hours comparing Consumer research, longevity, features, value, etc and having a spouse walk in and say they want one of the ones that got poor reviews, less functionality, but looks pretty. The point is that you have to trust the other person's descision making, even if it is not like your own. So marry someone you respect enough, so give them a break and let them fail sometimes. You can't be a perfectionist. If you don't respect their opinion, you can become controlling and the other person can feel suffocated and not valued and the relationship will fail. It comes off as you thinking you are better than them and don't value them, and that can wear a person down and make them not not feel valued. "Why did you marry me if you don't trust me to make any decisions? Do you think I am stupid?"
Some people consider themselves very good at making decisions. An outside person may objectively disagree when they look at how they do it, but it doesn't change the original person's perspective that they are good at decision making. I'm sure we are all a bit not perfectly self-aware in some areas.
A grandma may say they did a lot of research for a product because a reviewer they like on the radio recommended it and their friend likes it. To them, they spent 2 hours researching something. To you who looked up consumer reports, comparison articles, and tech specs, you may find something very different. Devaluing someone has consequences. Tone matters.
One person may know that they have a tendency to not make logical decisions, but not know how to control it. One may be impulsive and know it, but not be able to stop it despite being aware of it. How your partner helps you and works with you, or criticizes, shames, or devalues you matters.
Second guessing a decision after you turned the decision making over to the other person is devaluing to them and can show you don;t trust their decision making. If the result of the decision is not ideal, remember you gave the person the decision making power. There is an argument that you shoudl give them the ability to fail, and continue loving and support them. If there is a way to reverse something that may be pretty bad, do so in way that doesn't hurt them, or just let them fail. A possible rule of thumb is to just let it slide and be happy if it won't matter in a year. Another argument is to just let them fail and go through it together because how they perceive you feel and value them is more important than money. Ultimately it is just money, which isn't the most important thing.
In economics, the assumption is that people make the best decision for themselves. In behavior economics, it's realized that people will not necessarily make the actual best decision for themselves since they are impacted by convenience, intrinsic, brand, feeling, sales, etc. Realize there are several factors that play into a decision, and realize that not all of them will be valued the same by any two people.
One helpful thing to think about is to imagine a spreadsheet with ALL the aspects of a particular item, hobby, etc. For example, knitting. A traditional guy may think that knitting is a waste of time because you
If one person, just becomes a yes person who isn;t involved in any descison making, then the other person may not respect them or their (lack of) opinion and start talking down and controlling them, telling them, or guilting them into doing something their way.
Counterpoint: Okay, so if a husband a wife are looking at getting a new washer. The husband is grilling the salesman to learn all the features, steam cleaning to save on water, dirt removal options, steam ironing, etc. The electronics jargon is going over her head because she has no interest in reading the manual despite her being the one to use the washer very often and usually puts stuff on regular wash and cold or hot depending on the pile. Her husband may decide that the best value one to spend more on an extra large front end loader with steam cleaning options, a rack for shoes and sweaters, several different options for reduced consumption of water, electricity, or gas depending on what was most expensive at the time, and despite the higher price, could pay for itself in 3 years. He may be tempted to ask her if this one with all these options was her first choice too. She may have been eyeballing the super basic top loader, the cheap washing machine that she'd used her entire life, knew how to work, and didn't think she had time to learn the wizardry of all the other options the model her husband thought was good. She also has the perception that the fewer features something has, the less likely something will break
2. Explore the origins of issues you have. Issues come up in a marriage. Deal with them in a loving non-judgemental way because you are with the person regardless of their past, something they can't change.
3. When talking, put yourself in their place. Acknowledge how they will likely feel. If you do fight, learn to do it in a healthy way that gets a resolution and fixes it. SOme people want to deal immediately. SOme people want time along to collect and recover.
4. People should feel responsibility to the family unit, despite different contributions.
5. Be careful not to try to force the other person to be just like yourself. Let them be the best version of themself. While this sounds nice, the difference is simple. "Accept them for who they are, but be tactful and not forceful when giving suggestions. Don't expect them to change, only share things that could help." Phrase things like "I
People will interact with people differently.
6. Phrasing is key. Don't come into a conversation thinking you have the answer, even if it is your current understanding. Come into it with "some knowldege" bu that you'd like to have other opinions as well. Not "I have an opinion right now. Here is why. Give me a counter argument and I'm open to changing." Say "I'm interested in this topic, let's chat." they can say no and you avoided spewing out facts they don;t care about. THis can be very good."
7. I like how he writes, "I've failed. Told her,, and SHe;s forgiven. SHe's done the same. i can't stress thsi enough."
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Differences in financial viewpoints and intimacy expectations are likely the leading cases of hardships in a marriage.
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Question: Current thoughts about marriage
-Physical attraction and cont romance
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What do you envision marriage to be?
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Why might arranged marrages last longer than love marriages?
Different expectations. You expect an
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General stuff. Say I want to learn more about this. Don't force people to be Deveil's advocate. It is not generally pleasant in everyday conversation. Don;t come at something like, "i know something. Prove me wrong."
